Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Funny Feelings

I never knew cooking would bring orgasm to life. Esp when it turn out to be alright when the dishes meet its requirement. Funny.

Time bujang takde pulak terfikir nak masak. Simplest western would be my opt but never the malay food.  Or maybe i spend too much on doing coffee back than explores the exciting of cooking dishes hoho.

Tapi penat ah. Maybe should do them as hobbies during weekend, bila dah hari hari people wont appreciate.

Belom ade rezki buat kitchen sendiri. One day.

Oh, a coffee bar... pergh meletop!....

Wishful thinking....

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Most impossible question

Why does someone quit to be what he/she is. Why does some human prefer to leave behind and starts ponder. Why?

This maybe an odd feeling because i never felt the emptiness being left out my both parent. Although they rolled their eyes, i feel still safe to stay in their compound of anger. Because i knew, after all these they will back me up.

Its their weekend and they will make sure i have my weekend. But to the limit that they will not co-play with me in the playground, i have privacy as kid in the playground.

I cant imagine myself, wondering around, feeling shameful because khaleefa need to be in crowd so i  need to be there for him too. If he is in anger, either i will be ones who calms him or threaten him. Not like myself, i have choice.

When he swims to a crowd of men & kids, i would slowly ignore or just let him be. Until he tried impressly saying that hello he is khaleefa , i start to look towards the horizon and beg Allah give me strong heart.  This is because i a very egostic kid who walk proud when my parent is not around, i wouldnt beg for attention either or i impress anybody, stucked up & i know who i am yet where i stand.

My heart melt when i caught khaleefa eyes, i knew what that mean to him, a empty role that sometimes he himself miss. Sometimes i would put khaleefa into many of his types and sometimes i would weep in the dark. This is because i always repeat questions to God, why do i have to go through these. Enough of being young i have not be kind to my self,but what my son go through.. or any of kids have the same dayz as he is... i hope You always have better reason behind these :(

I know world is temporary, akhirah is yet destiny. I am human, and sometimes i would have my low. But i bet, there is something beyond this, i hope Allah mercy for every negative thoughts i have yet keep me far from negative action.... :(

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Self Check

Sometimes i wonder do some people full of blame or jaki tahap pelik.

For example, selama ko bercerai, u havent logged for any case utk nafkah anak kau. Even
The father was loose with the society perception that doesnt contribute enough for that kid's nafkah.Or be warn that u might be claiming more in the future and the dads have to the responsible that this might happen(projecting the very worst situation) regardless how relax u are when ur ex maybe earn 10k with a doctorate of more.

Go through a proper channel (syaria court) and jangan malukan org. Memang padan awalnye aku marah, but this coming to second year i start to focus what is Khaleefa's hak. Not apa ko mampu. Why do i have to egoisticly tanggung burden, to show to society i am darn good?.. am i? When inside my heart is killing me, so just file what ever need to be done regardless sukahati dia nak lawat anak ke tak. Or to have an alternate weekend should be great, kalau taknak its ok lah. Kenapa nak sakitkan kepala.

How i bounce back this time much better than what i am b4. Terima kasih Allah. One year of thinking done much impact and life seems to track back slowly when i ought to hilang arah for a while.... sometimes aku marah, tapi then aku redho.

Kalau ko nak mintak nafkah when both cant speak properly with each other, kita ade orang tengah. Syaria law, not by peeking through relatives and back bitting and so the wars begin. Sudah pasti, aku tak suka putuskan komunikasi but if its meant to robohkan whats in u head, dont then impress! To keep the siratulrahim konon healthy. BEG TO Allah, doing this to safe ur heart & guard ur sons hak. InsyaAllah people will talk, Allah yg jaga semua ni.

So just let people talk, its their mouth not yours.

So dear Syariah Law & kursus perkahwinan, please dont brag abt how beautiful marriage is, but how ugly if things doesnt work... its not only abt bagaimana cinta saya kat awak. Its how sustaining day to day stress together..

But to sustain a marriage with simple love is a lot easier when u do not expect much from each other (err couple).. but when to the state that a wife & husband claim their rights that is where the ugly part begins... as sad. Ada la hikmah memana, still learning though. I can share my thoughts with some of friends and syaitan loves anger & people divorce.. mmm

Sometimes u feel fake, adakah semata2 Allah.. we are sinners so one day we are up and one day we are down...

Lets ponder outta of topic lak..

Contoh yg paling tak boleh blah, when u help an lady, drop her at lrt. The next week she invited a coll of her, buat mcm anak sendiri aku ni di suruh pusing balik... naaa naa pusing jap... and came to realize i am picking up an male bangla cleaner, i feel so tercabar! Hahahah Allah apa Kau uji aku ni.. ternyata aku fail that test! Ya Rabbi.. forgive me... lepas tu i just smile, tunduk tmpt lain when everytime i met that lady... hahahahahha jahanam ko ina... but i cant help it to fake it!

But this reflects some experience i had during my 1st year of marriage, when i rarely understand the jokes i heard, something abt hantaran rendah ikut umur la dah banyak, my  nerve are shaking! Tapi berjaya control kot pasal masa tu... expectation are so less.. since 2month of marriage, but Allah yet hadiahkan aku pregnancy :) on 3rd month. MasyaAllah... tu haa si awang kenit Khaleefa ..hihihi..

I guess when the marriage is older, u are more confident and slipped words shouldnt be out as mother and wife. Which i have failed the test, or i may hit the jackpot to someone ears & pinpoint what he didnt see/aware.

Atau mungkin Allah marah aku lara waktu kerja & kelapangan byk buang masa and bercakap topik2 sampah. Pi kerja x upgrade self and so on. Padan la muka now i am so tight with deadline but Alhamdullilah .. kot?.. 


Anyway all these shall pass.. mcm angin hembus then we yawn..


Friday, May 27, 2016

Fikiran merambu

Malam ni malam minggu. Ada yg maybe meetup TT dengan kawan2, berlatar belakangkan KLCC. Ada yg mungkin  bergayut cerita bulan dan bintang dgn cik bunga. Aku? Tidurkan anak and teringatkan kwn aku yg dah arwah tu. Tetiba ingat kau lak lyn. Tabah betul ko besarkan 3 org anak kau tu, totally kau mmg bagi aku semangat utk pandang depan lyn. Tapi fair enough lepaskan anak anak ko ke bekas suami kau jaga.Tapi Tuhan tu dah atur kot, cebisan stahun akhir tu Allah bagi aku kenal ngan ko. Last kau kata, pasal crush ko tu ada kat bgnn csc ni balik. Aku selalu doa kan ko baik2 lyn, kalau ko boleh buat. Aku pon boleh. But,Allah panggil kau balik 2minggu lepas tu.... huhuhuhu...

Songkok ko bagi utk khaleefa pon aku tak sempat post fb, & thanks ke kau. Mmmm... rasenye kau la last buat aku terkekek ketawa. Lawak geram. Lepas tu, xde plak lyn aku carik persatuan or group ibu tunggal, aku jadi biasa je. Mcm xde apa2 berlaku.....

Lebat plak hujan... tgh mlm ni.....

Teringat time bujang  aku takde la jenis bergayut. Rasenye itu cuma lepas skolah. Aku ni spesis berkepit. Minda berborak pon abstrak, maksudnye ekpressi bukan lah maksud nak buat. Jadi utk menjadi OCD atau protocol ade waktu2 nye gak la. Cerita pasal OCD, khaleefa dah start tunjuk tanda mcm gene dia... :( minum susu.. make sure adjust gamba tu depan mulut dia... dlm gelap pon! Unless dia mamai... nervous la ummi. Tapi dia masih sepah2... ok lagi la kot..... huhuhu..

Xyah perfect sgt khaleefa... ada benda lain yg lg penting. Nanti energy habis kat situ.. :(...

Okay lah ... another weekend to go....nyte


Friday, May 20, 2016

Dear Offender

Dear offenders. I do not wish for ur destruction but yet i pray u knew better. I do not wish u to go to hell but i hope we are not in the same heaven. I likely forgotten things, but what else is permanent..?

I hope Allah 4give the way i act...  protect my loves ones...

Friday, May 13, 2016


I was back fr work until Khaleefa says ummi dah balik! Then he slammed back the door. Came in to see him hiding behind the cushion and wawa asked him shhh kept quiet. I maybe sellfish
When i said.. jgn hempas pintu, tersepit jari nnt..& said nauzubillah. (Ppl this meant for mintak di jauhkan. HELLO. I am still learning ya, that word i heard when only i reach age 19)..

Sengih anak ummi. Then he starts to ask something to buy in tesco. I just say takde duit.

Mula la melalak & hempas2 badan.

Then i provoke, okay kite beli lepas tu kita makan toy2 tu ok. Buat lagi. Then i provoke lg, okay2.. ummi kasi duit, khaleefa naik basikal pi tesco beli ok. Buat lagi... hahahah i sense the month is coming. My one week off solat, so maybe i am behaving abit less empathy.

Then i provoke, khaleefa nampak tak pakcik depan guard tu, dia ade jual toy. Beli kat situ eh.. buat lagi... ish sucha cry bby and serak dah suara. Until i was calm, wawa asked not to provoke. Then i say, ok we cam buy toy tapi ummi xdak duit, mintak kat atok.

Then he went begging atok, atok nak duit beli toy ye... nak beli toy.. hehehe atok cair lah. But his voice begging kat atok, terus lembut hati & tergelak. So start to ready myself.

*Mind mind was floatin, i remember.. abah said jum Toy^R^Us. But, listen yer, i do not buy toy nor my brothers. Eh i think Along had that chance lah.. tamiya la.. bmx maybe anak sulung. So i remember the store is so big (kat ground tu).. then abah mak will wait outside. I and bro will walk inside and start to look & adores all those expensive toys esp.. yg rege 200 ke 400. The best part is,.... i didnt fancy much atau terkilan tak dpt but anything, but my eyes will glares setiap kali tgk kidslaptop tu.. hmmmm well... i know if i desire an expensive toy, i must have reason to tell abah. Why to buy ... opposite of me is my bro, Alai.. he will just ask what he want. Aku nak mintak baju taekwondo pon segan ngan abah if hangat2 tahi ayam.. ei malu.. because abah sarcasm kau akan makan dalam hehehe.. but Alai.. beli ari ni ..3 bulan lg berenti. Huhuhuhu.. *

So  back to khaleefa, i am worried. Shall i let him choose, or shall he learn. Maybe not this age eh?.. since a friend in nursery tell off me.. ko bagi je dia nak toy ape and nak makan ape. Rezki dia la. Then nnt dia besar masuk sekolah x heran & starts to consider what is more important. Mcm abang ni, she pointed his eldest son... skrang ajak baskin ke chillis ke malas nak makan.

Haha good pooint.

Well too far to think off. So yeah, he grabbed his toy and happily back home. I am no santa claus oh anak ku.

....... maybe i just pray harder lah kot.. gezz..

Monday, May 9, 2016

Rezki Anak....

Allah yang terbaik menjaga. Hati aku yang luruh sblm hari utk khaleefa cabut gigi tiba.

Bunyi mcm ala... cabut gigi jee kot.... gigi susu je kot...

Bukan satu ye, 2 ke tapi 6 ye... utk mulut sekecil tu and cuba kau cabut gigi kau 6 ketul terus? Aku nak tgk .. kecut x kecut?...

Aku cuba pelbagai cara. Ye mmg salah aku, patut lebih2 pantau. Mana la tau rapuh betol gigi dia, aku dari kecik makam ais, anak2 sedara pon gitu... so mmg jahanam dah semua molar dia.... huhuhu... tambah plak susu kemam susu.

Consultation pertama buat Klinik gigi puncak alam, doctor was a male arab. Doc kata ni mmg kena carik specialist orthodontist.. ape ke menatang payah nak sebut, ok saylah pakar budak... ah... bergetar la poket ini...

Then aku research pasal crowning stainless steel bebudak, so pi lah KK shah alam. HAPPY khaleefa pi, psl dia ponteng nursery... dia ckp nk tunjuk gigi kat doctor. Doctor sebut cabut depan khaleefa, then aku betolkan extract. Hmm kantoi nak cabut... so appt dari pagi.. tengahari dah boleh masuk cabut....

By tengahari ketiak melengas, perot cuma isi Kfc, one more patient to go, khaleefa start cuak dah. Ajak aku lepak depan klinik, nak main situ. So aku ikutkan jugak... pastu dia kat nak main kat luar... aku jaga temper aku ni, bgtau doctor tunggu tu khaleefa.... hahahah melalak lalak!... logicly cemana kau nak pujuk budak melalak into mencabut gigi ?... memang tidak lah...

So bgtau nurse, nak cancel. Nurse suruh masuk sendiri beritahu doctor. (kelinik kerajaan kan.. kita paham bz.) Aku masuk and sengih2 kat male nurse yg assist doctor, pastu lambai.. kata mai keluar jap..  then aku inform anak aku next ni, aku cancel. Dia amok, so cancel ye...

Serabut gak la.. tapi aku sabar ngan khaleefa. Nangis la aku duk membebel, aku cuti satu hari khaleefa takmo buat. Tapi aku paham kot... diam je ummi marah. Meletup2 gak hati, tapi aku x paksa.. aku tgh buat calculation... tenangkan diri.. aku try divert.. ptg pi main playground... owhhhh happy la baik... budak pandai ni...

So aku ngadu ngan pengasuh kat nursery.  Jgn pandang org calang2, ada suami engineer... kerja sendiri utk kill the time. Aku ngadu la.. then dia kate dia pon anta anak gi  ***. Aku ha mende *** tu.. ala ***** speciliast.. ohhh *** ke... aku tanye berapa .. dia kata 2 btg 1k.. mcm nak pengsan ha... start situ aku duk doa ya Allah permudahkan lah.... urusan anak aku ni.....

Kwn aku budak hp pon kata gitu, cuba ****. Pakar budak dia.. friendly.. n pandai la layan budak. Ambik half & gi appointment lg. Rupenye tu doc biase je dulu, pakar budak every tuesday, hohoho.. cuti half lagi...

Nak dijadikn cerita, all went smooth, understood properly. Duk aku get ready 2k..until the day arrived. Khaleefa masih pi nursery, psl aku xleyh cuti. Amik half lagi. Suara2 sumbang kata kesian lah ini itu.. bek bek.. aku pekakkan. Dlm hati aku, Allah permudahkan urusan kami.

Sampai *** dlm maghrib, (hospital biasa mmg la ko kena amik cuti bagai)... so aku reg, by default mmg aku bilik double, so aku kata upgrade single haritu masa booking. Wahh.. doc kata ade suite je malam ni..tapi masih charge bilik single. Aku gtau eh! Itu dah bagus... khaleefa excited..

So bilik aku naik, aku tergamam. Allah itu Maha Penjaga & rezki anak tu kau akan paham. Khaleefa lahir bilik sana, and kali ni Allah permudahkan urusan dia, dtg bilik hujung sini pulak. Mmg selesa lah. MasyaAllah. Shahril pulak kebetulan ada, anak admitted psl tonsilities, seminggu bertapa, dia usha bilik aku.. oi bilik org kaya ni. Aku sengih.. aku kata rezki anaklah.. bilik penuh malam ni... aku dpt free upgrade.

Mlm sikit, aku lawat anak dia ngan parent aku.. beli toy sikit & shian la... harap dia recover lah. Sama2 enzema cam anak aku.... huhuhu.... kecik sikit bilik, ye la wad budak kan...

Mlm tu aku tak dpt tidur, salahkan diri.. berdoa ya Allah... permudahkan...esoknye Khaleefa bangun super awal... 930 dah di tolak ke OT. Luruh tengok dia pakai topi and baju yg x comel tu.. hahahaha.. aku suggest diorg upgrade baju. Atau opt utk beli baju OT. Huhuhu..

Masuk tmpt bius, aku pujuk2 kata nnt ptg kite pi playground n beli toy besar ok. Agak2 bius tu mcm nak paksa dia sleep, khaleefa meronta, 2 lelaki tahan dia,  budak tu comment kuat nye anak akak ni... ahahhahaha Allah.. nama dia pon Khalifah kan... huhuhuhu...

Then ummi tunggu luar. Sementara cuak hati benak ni... approx 1jam aku masuk. Dia still sleeping. Mulut nampak la darah2. Aku expecting ni psl dah buat bancian.. so sabar lagi.. aku tanye berapa gigi. Nurse sebut 6, haaa!tapi aku redho. Trust the procedure. Waiting for that pakar... pastu dia explain... ni naa ni na... dia kata dia ade next. So see u masa time follow up eh.

Peh.. lega.... ada la bangun tidur bangun tidur tengok anak. Half n hour tolak balik bilik. Tq anak2 paklong kerana dtg melawat. Khaleefa after abt 2hrs stabil & dah boleh senyum balik dengan gigi rongak dia.....

Ahh... leganye...

Ngantuk nye psl malam tu x tidur... terasa diri ni tua. Kalau dulu 2 hari x tido pon selamba...

Terima kasih Allah. Satu usaha, dua cuba yg terbaik, ketiga redho. Hasilnya Allah akan aturkan segala.  Rezki selesa anak itu Allah yg bagi, kita sbg ibu doa kuat2.