Friday, May 27, 2016

Fikiran merambu

Malam ni malam minggu. Ada yg maybe meetup TT dengan kawan2, berlatar belakangkan KLCC. Ada yg mungkin  bergayut cerita bulan dan bintang dgn cik bunga. Aku? Tidurkan anak and teringatkan kwn aku yg dah arwah tu. Tetiba ingat kau lak lyn. Tabah betul ko besarkan 3 org anak kau tu, totally kau mmg bagi aku semangat utk pandang depan lyn. Tapi fair enough lepaskan anak anak ko ke bekas suami kau jaga.Tapi Tuhan tu dah atur kot, cebisan stahun akhir tu Allah bagi aku kenal ngan ko. Last kau kata, pasal crush ko tu ada kat bgnn csc ni balik. Aku selalu doa kan ko baik2 lyn, kalau ko boleh buat. Aku pon boleh. But,Allah panggil kau balik 2minggu lepas tu.... huhuhuhu...

Songkok ko bagi utk khaleefa pon aku tak sempat post fb, & thanks ke kau. Mmmm... rasenye kau la last buat aku terkekek ketawa. Lawak geram. Lepas tu, xde plak lyn aku carik persatuan or group ibu tunggal, aku jadi biasa je. Mcm xde apa2 berlaku.....

Lebat plak hujan... tgh mlm ni.....

Teringat time bujang  aku takde la jenis bergayut. Rasenye itu cuma lepas skolah. Aku ni spesis berkepit. Minda berborak pon abstrak, maksudnye ekpressi bukan lah maksud nak buat. Jadi utk menjadi OCD atau protocol ade waktu2 nye gak la. Cerita pasal OCD, khaleefa dah start tunjuk tanda mcm gene dia... :( minum susu.. make sure adjust gamba tu depan mulut dia... dlm gelap pon! Unless dia mamai... nervous la ummi. Tapi dia masih sepah2... ok lagi la kot..... huhuhu..

Xyah perfect sgt khaleefa... ada benda lain yg lg penting. Nanti energy habis kat situ.. :(...

Okay lah ... another weekend to go....nyte

Ina

Friday, May 20, 2016

Dear Offender

Dear offenders. I do not wish for ur destruction but yet i pray u knew better. I do not wish u to go to hell but i hope we are not in the same heaven. I likely forgotten things, but what else is permanent..?

I hope Allah 4give the way i act...  protect my loves ones...

Friday, May 13, 2016

My..my

I was back fr work until Khaleefa says ummi dah balik! Then he slammed back the door. Came in to see him hiding behind the cushion and wawa asked him shhh kept quiet. I maybe sellfish
When i said.. jgn hempas pintu, tersepit jari nnt..& said nauzubillah. (Ppl this meant for mintak di jauhkan. HELLO. I am still learning ya, that word i heard when only i reach age 19)..

Sengih anak ummi. Then he starts to ask something to buy in tesco. I just say takde duit.

Mula la melalak & hempas2 badan.

Then i provoke, okay kite beli lepas tu kita makan toy2 tu ok. Buat lagi. Then i provoke lg, okay2.. ummi kasi duit, khaleefa naik basikal pi tesco beli ok. Buat lagi... hahahah i sense the month is coming. My one week off solat, so maybe i am behaving abit less empathy.

Then i provoke, khaleefa nampak tak pakcik depan guard tu, dia ade jual toy. Beli kat situ eh.. buat lagi... ish sucha cry bby and serak dah suara. Until i was calm, wawa asked not to provoke. Then i say, ok we cam buy toy tapi ummi xdak duit, mintak kat atok.

Then he went begging atok, atok nak duit beli toy ye... nak beli toy.. hehehe atok cair lah. But his voice begging kat atok, terus lembut hati & tergelak. So start to ready myself.

*Mind mind was floatin, i remember.. abah said jum Toy^R^Us. But, listen yer, i do not buy toy nor my brothers. Eh i think Along had that chance lah.. tamiya la.. bmx maybe anak sulung. So i remember the store is so big (kat ground tu).. then abah mak will wait outside. I and bro will walk inside and start to look & adores all those expensive toys esp.. yg rege 200 ke 400. The best part is,.... i didnt fancy much atau terkilan tak dpt but anything, but my eyes will glares setiap kali tgk kidslaptop tu.. hmmmm well... i know if i desire an expensive toy, i must have reason to tell abah. Why to buy ... opposite of me is my bro, Alai.. he will just ask what he want. Aku nak mintak baju taekwondo pon segan ngan abah if hangat2 tahi ayam.. ei malu.. because abah sarcasm kau akan makan dalam hehehe.. but Alai.. beli ari ni ..3 bulan lg berenti. Huhuhuhu.. *

So  back to khaleefa, i am worried. Shall i let him choose, or shall he learn. Maybe not this age eh?.. since a friend in nursery tell off me.. ko bagi je dia nak toy ape and nak makan ape. Rezki dia la. Then nnt dia besar masuk sekolah x heran & starts to consider what is more important. Mcm abang ni, she pointed his eldest son... skrang ajak baskin ke chillis ke malas nak makan.

Haha good pooint.

Well too far to think off. So yeah, he grabbed his toy and happily back home. I am no santa claus oh anak ku.

....... maybe i just pray harder lah kot.. gezz..

Monday, May 9, 2016

Rezki Anak....

Allah yang terbaik menjaga. Hati aku yang luruh sblm hari utk khaleefa cabut gigi tiba.

Bunyi mcm ala... cabut gigi jee kot.... gigi susu je kot...

Bukan satu ye, 2 ke tapi 6 ye... utk mulut sekecil tu and cuba kau cabut gigi kau 6 ketul terus? Aku nak tgk .. kecut x kecut?...

Aku cuba pelbagai cara. Ye mmg salah aku, patut lebih2 pantau. Mana la tau rapuh betol gigi dia, aku dari kecik makam ais, anak2 sedara pon gitu... so mmg jahanam dah semua molar dia.... huhuhu... tambah plak susu kemam susu.

Consultation pertama buat Klinik gigi puncak alam, doctor was a male arab. Doc kata ni mmg kena carik specialist orthodontist.. ape ke menatang payah nak sebut, ok saylah pakar budak... ah... bergetar la poket ini...

Then aku research pasal crowning stainless steel bebudak, so pi lah KK shah alam. HAPPY khaleefa pi, psl dia ponteng nursery... dia ckp nk tunjuk gigi kat doctor. Doctor sebut cabut depan khaleefa, then aku betolkan extract. Hmm kantoi nak cabut... so appt dari pagi.. tengahari dah boleh masuk cabut....

By tengahari ketiak melengas, perot cuma isi Kfc, one more patient to go, khaleefa start cuak dah. Ajak aku lepak depan klinik, nak main situ. So aku ikutkan jugak... pastu dia kat nak main kat luar... aku jaga temper aku ni, bgtau doctor tunggu tu khaleefa.... hahahah melalak lalak!... logicly cemana kau nak pujuk budak melalak into mencabut gigi ?... memang tidak lah...

So bgtau nurse, nak cancel. Nurse suruh masuk sendiri beritahu doctor. (kelinik kerajaan kan.. kita paham bz.) Aku masuk and sengih2 kat male nurse yg assist doctor, pastu lambai.. kata mai keluar jap..  then aku inform anak aku next ni, aku cancel. Dia amok, so cancel ye...

Serabut gak la.. tapi aku sabar ngan khaleefa. Nangis la aku duk membebel, aku cuti satu hari khaleefa takmo buat. Tapi aku paham kot... diam je ummi marah. Meletup2 gak hati, tapi aku x paksa.. aku tgh buat calculation... tenangkan diri.. aku try divert.. ptg pi main playground... owhhhh happy la baik... budak pandai ni...

So aku ngadu ngan pengasuh kat nursery.  Jgn pandang org calang2, ada suami engineer... kerja sendiri utk kill the time. Aku ngadu la.. then dia kate dia pon anta anak gi  ***. Aku ha mende *** tu.. ala ***** speciliast.. ohhh *** ke... aku tanye berapa .. dia kata 2 btg 1k.. mcm nak pengsan ha... start situ aku duk doa ya Allah permudahkan lah.... urusan anak aku ni.....

Kwn aku budak hp pon kata gitu, cuba ****. Pakar budak dia.. friendly.. n pandai la layan budak. Ambik half & gi appointment lg. Rupenye tu doc biase je dulu, pakar budak every tuesday, hohoho.. cuti half lagi...

Nak dijadikn cerita, all went smooth, understood properly. Duk aku get ready 2k..until the day arrived. Khaleefa masih pi nursery, psl aku xleyh cuti. Amik half lagi. Suara2 sumbang kata kesian lah ini itu.. bek bek.. aku pekakkan. Dlm hati aku, Allah permudahkan urusan kami.

Sampai *** dlm maghrib, (hospital biasa mmg la ko kena amik cuti bagai)... so aku reg, by default mmg aku bilik double, so aku kata upgrade single haritu masa booking. Wahh.. doc kata ade suite je malam ni..tapi masih charge bilik single. Aku gtau eh! Itu dah bagus... khaleefa excited..

So bilik aku naik, aku tergamam. Allah itu Maha Penjaga & rezki anak tu kau akan paham. Khaleefa lahir bilik sana, and kali ni Allah permudahkan urusan dia, dtg bilik hujung sini pulak. Mmg selesa lah. MasyaAllah. Shahril pulak kebetulan ada, anak admitted psl tonsilities, seminggu bertapa, dia usha bilik aku.. oi bilik org kaya ni. Aku sengih.. aku kata rezki anaklah.. bilik penuh malam ni... aku dpt free upgrade.

Mlm sikit, aku lawat anak dia ngan parent aku.. beli toy sikit & shian la... harap dia recover lah. Sama2 enzema cam anak aku.... huhuhu.... kecik sikit bilik, ye la wad budak kan...

Mlm tu aku tak dpt tidur, salahkan diri.. berdoa ya Allah... permudahkan...esoknye Khaleefa bangun super awal... 930 dah di tolak ke OT. Luruh tengok dia pakai topi and baju yg x comel tu.. hahahaha.. aku suggest diorg upgrade baju. Atau opt utk beli baju OT. Huhuhu..

Masuk tmpt bius, aku pujuk2 kata nnt ptg kite pi playground n beli toy besar ok. Agak2 bius tu mcm nak paksa dia sleep, khaleefa meronta, 2 lelaki tahan dia,  budak tu comment kuat nye anak akak ni... ahahhahaha Allah.. nama dia pon Khalifah kan... huhuhuhu...

Then ummi tunggu luar. Sementara cuak hati benak ni... approx 1jam aku masuk. Dia still sleeping. Mulut nampak la darah2. Aku expecting ni psl dah buat bancian.. so sabar lagi.. aku tanye berapa gigi. Nurse sebut 6, haaa!tapi aku redho. Trust the procedure. Waiting for that pakar... pastu dia explain... ni naa ni na... dia kata dia ade next. So see u masa time follow up eh.

Peh.. lega.... ada la bangun tidur bangun tidur tengok anak. Half n hour tolak balik bilik. Tq anak2 paklong kerana dtg melawat. Khaleefa after abt 2hrs stabil & dah boleh senyum balik dengan gigi rongak dia.....

Ahh... leganye...

Ngantuk nye psl malam tu x tidur... terasa diri ni tua. Kalau dulu 2 hari x tido pon selamba...

Terima kasih Allah. Satu usaha, dua cuba yg terbaik, ketiga redho. Hasilnya Allah akan aturkan segala.  Rezki selesa anak itu Allah yg bagi, kita sbg ibu doa kuat2.

Alhamdulillah.....

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Brave

I used to be brave before i had my child. I was staying by myself & pregnant when my ex was working remotely away from home.

I could drive in 3am to puncak alam passing Altantuya road.

I work shift and stay awake in the big room of my operation, although some i hear printer was making noise or keyboard sounds like someone has pressed 2 to 3 alphabet until i decide to increase the volume of headphone.

BUT!

All this is not happening 100percent. Sedihnye. I guess my kid has took some of my semangat, yesterday was late for swimming 8pm je kot? But suria jelutong didnt install the
Pool lights and somehow i feel suspicious & turn on surah AlBaqarah near to where Khaleefa is and i wasnt in the pool. I warned him not to go far, and while i stay just beside the pool let my legs be wet. I wonder and the last time i did this was 4years ago in anggun puri.

Khaleefa was so happy, swims with his safety vast a.k.a pelampung. When i look into the water, then i imagine something else. Huhuhu. Mengharap someone just join me, so came a sexy lady with her bf. Pastinye dia pakai sports bra & a boxer. She jumped & started to swim backstroke. Haaa so i went in Hahahah it was hot in the water rather than cold above. Lupa pulak perasaan ni, the same feeling in Kenanga apartment, Puchong when back then lepak in pool was one of my fav.

Took my goggle& and started few strokes. It was dark mcm masuk tasik. HAHAHAHA. I feel so weird so i stop & complain to khaleefa takpelah khaleefa ummi takut swimming pool ni takda lampu dalam air. He said "ALA UMMI... ALA UMMIII... JUM LA"..

Tak pernah rase takut to do things but this time i feel not safe swimming in the dark although the light is on... takut woi! Mcm tasik pulak rase. Or  maybe i have develop new phobia!? ...

Yang pastinye swimming in the dark, which havs no source of light is so not cool!..

Tak sabarnye nak sign up khaleefa's swimming class...

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Mcm dejavu

High chances i always try to guard my self with zkir. Even to my own father, i hang out at ill' s place. 2 times i gotten call from home. I said, i just got back tgk kain and now im middle of the hutan near puncak. He responded.. Kau carik kain dalam hutan ke!

So i put high vol with that al Baqarah.. not responded and let the line dc by it self.

Some parent feels they own their OLD children.

Some husband feels tapak kaki dia syurga.

But the bullshit is, i dont find any correlation. You guys are tired, yet u plak behave mcm 2y old tantrum.

Kalau anak lelaki kurang ajar, they back off. Peliks ah.  Allah show it happen to other family or ur blood jugak. Parent will wear a diff hat. Pftt mungkinlah, i have
One son je pon.Maybe Allah is showing me this kind of picture if i want more kids..look at Along have 7 kids & he can just close one eyes with all those messy.. yet walhal
Along time sekolah usik buku pon perasan i just flipped them????...

Heh.

Am i able to juggle & be fair? By that time insyaAllah i hope i have built good foundation
With Allah and He do not leave me alone... :(

Alhamdulillah if Allah just give more oppurtunity upon sbar.

I came to understand that everyday is a practise to change and one day this shall be rewarding.

By the time u think u got all in your hand,Allah break it in few second. How cool is that.
So each of plan must have Allah... that simple...

Goodnite souls.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Hb

Hb to u. This remind me of a year, that i did something wrong. But i never have forgotten abt u.  Until u have found someone that able to love you. I was happy that u out with someone who i do not know, although u keep coming back to say hi.

Those wondering years i have always met new people so i can erase sticky memories and this includes years.

I try not to be rude to you, as not much hatred i have in heart. Even to anybody. As how you didnt wave back during school, it gave some sadness in me.As how u acting strange with that gatal kind of person u are really punching of my nerve.

Im not good either but i am trying to be one. To see u being skinny was a broken heart to me. The same way that u walked during school. To hear that you bash me of how i damage u (u think), the way u bash ur ex (emmmm)... a totally disaster feeling.

Maybe we should hear what other people felt and what Quran told us to do. Because those hard years before i met u again, was a disasterous years without route. Even i ask myself why is it so hard, when others are doing it so smoothly.

Which is the key? It was i forgot to ask from Allah.

For these weeks before appointment, i ask Allah the owner of every hearts to actually let him melt his heart. So Allah indeed the owner of every hearts.

Thank u Allah.

Hb again. I hope u really take care of your self and i believe everyone out there cares abt u.

Salams
5.4.16