Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Absolutely amazing.

Dear Allah.

I would like to write and tell you, thank you. The route that bring back all in order
regardless what had happen.

Before we route back by Allah, I always enjoyed having coffee right after Subuh. Enjoying the sun rise just from my balcony. Sometimes, reciting Quran and just look at the horizon. Zero planning but yet still feelin blessed that i have someone whois dear to me.

I would sometimes sit, and recites or hear translations. Until i feel heat on my cheeks, i figure out that i am out at the balcony crossed one hour.

Sometimes i would ponder, how it feels to have been living without my kid for a day... it must be feeling hurt down there unless u have some divertion. How i wonder, and as human being i sometimes try but sometimes i fail to feel...

But Ya Allah,

I just imagine that he would step in. There are sometimes, i would open door and peek out but my mind is guessing if he will step in one day. Then i imagine, he came and open his shoes.

What ever that i have projected via my mind, either i am having illusion or replacement...

But it seems that, it happen.

Out of nowhere, i match all those signs... and figure out that u are most Ar Rahman for what i have now....

But this time ya Allah, i depend on you to take care of me & my family. No other can i lay on except the comfort fr You, Ya Rabb...

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Pat On The Back.. Ina

Pat on the back, woman, that Allah the reason all is happening. The glimpse of
nature is hunting for calling. The wide skies that i desperatesly want to sujud
and pray to Allah, the bless that i feel everyday.

Those nites that i weep my tears in the dark, knowing that thou shall not speak 
about weakness. Those nite that i stand for beside Khaleefa, with his raptured skins!
That nite that i seek no one, when my Khaleefa prepared for that minor operation.
Those days when i let Khaleefa down by shouting at him and i hug him for forgiveness.

Those days that i make sure Khaleefa have fun, eat his meal and i finished his meal while
he is asleep without feel any glance of weakness!

Because i knew Allah always around, its of the matter of the rezeki arranged for us.

This is secret between me & Allah. Between the calling of nature and one day i shall return to Him...

Thank You Ya Rabb... Thank you Allah for the Family, thank you for all the meals........

Thank You for this escape & please let this be an easy journey! 

Thursday, July 7, 2016


Allah pernah beri ku peluang hidup, masa kereta ku berputar deras dalam kelajuan 120km di flyover sunway/kelana jaya. Yang hanya hilang cuma rantai gelang tanganku. Patah. Steering ku lepaskan untuk di kemudi sendiri, bagai nyawa tunggu di tarik aku, hati ku menjerit Allah Hu  Akhbar... aku nak hidup!!!!!...

Jantungku laju ingatkan diri bak kata mat salleh lucky, tricked death. Walhal Allah acah acah untuk ingatkan aku... untuk kembali...

Mungkin ajal ku bukan di situ...

Malu sungguh aku pada Allah kalau aku tak meminjamkan peluang tu pada makhlukNya...

Pastinya.. aku harus ingat,,, Allah itu sentiasa ada.....


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Funny Feelings

I never knew cooking would bring orgasm to life. Esp when it turn out to be alright when the dishes meet its requirement. Funny.

Time bujang takde pulak terfikir nak masak. Simplest western would be my opt but never the malay food.  Or maybe i spend too much on doing coffee back than explores the exciting of cooking dishes hoho.

Tapi penat ah. Maybe should do them as hobbies during weekend, bila dah hari hari people wont appreciate.

Belom ade rezki buat kitchen sendiri. One day.

Oh, a coffee bar... pergh meletop!....

Wishful thinking....

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Most impossible question

Why does someone quit to be what he/she is. Why does some human prefer to leave behind and starts ponder. Why?

This maybe an odd feeling because i never felt the emptiness being left out my both parent. Although they rolled their eyes, i feel still safe to stay in their compound of anger. Because i knew, after all these they will back me up.

Its their weekend and they will make sure i have my weekend. But to the limit that they will not co-play with me in the playground, i have privacy as kid in the playground.

I cant imagine myself, wondering around, feeling shameful because khaleefa need to be in crowd so i  need to be there for him too. If he is in anger, either i will be ones who calms him or threaten him. Not like myself, i have choice.

When he swims to a crowd of men & kids, i would slowly ignore or just let him be. Until he tried impressly saying that hello he is khaleefa , i start to look towards the horizon and beg Allah give me strong heart.  This is because i a very egostic kid who walk proud when my parent is not around, i wouldnt beg for attention either or i impress anybody, stucked up & i know who i am yet where i stand.

My heart melt when i caught khaleefa eyes, i knew what that mean to him, a empty role that sometimes he himself miss. Sometimes i would put khaleefa into many of his types and sometimes i would weep in the dark. This is because i always repeat questions to God, why do i have to go through these. Enough of being young i have not be kind to my self,but what my son go through.. or any of kids have the same dayz as he is... i hope You always have better reason behind these :(

I know world is temporary, akhirah is yet destiny. I am human, and sometimes i would have my low. But i bet, there is something beyond this, i hope Allah mercy for every negative thoughts i have yet keep me far from negative action.... :(

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Self Check

Sometimes i wonder do some people full of blame or jaki tahap pelik.

For example, selama ko bercerai, u havent logged for any case utk nafkah anak kau. Even
The father was loose with the society perception that doesnt contribute enough for that kid's nafkah.Or be warn that u might be claiming more in the future and the dads have to the responsible that this might happen(projecting the very worst situation) regardless how relax u are when ur ex maybe earn 10k with a doctorate of more.

Go through a proper channel (syaria court) and jangan malukan org. Memang padan awalnye aku marah, but this coming to second year i start to focus what is Khaleefa's hak. Not apa ko mampu. Why do i have to egoisticly tanggung burden, to show to society i am darn good?.. am i? When inside my heart is killing me, so just file what ever need to be done regardless sukahati dia nak lawat anak ke tak. Or to have an alternate weekend should be great, kalau taknak its ok lah. Kenapa nak sakitkan kepala.

How i bounce back this time much better than what i am b4. Terima kasih Allah. One year of thinking done much impact and life seems to track back slowly when i ought to hilang arah for a while.... sometimes aku marah, tapi then aku redho.

Kalau ko nak mintak nafkah when both cant speak properly with each other, kita ade orang tengah. Syaria law, not by peeking through relatives and back bitting and so the wars begin. Sudah pasti, aku tak suka putuskan komunikasi but if its meant to robohkan whats in u head, dont then impress! To keep the siratulrahim konon healthy. BEG TO Allah, doing this to safe ur heart & guard ur sons hak. InsyaAllah people will talk, Allah yg jaga semua ni.

So just let people talk, its their mouth not yours.

So dear Syariah Law & kursus perkahwinan, please dont brag abt how beautiful marriage is, but how ugly if things doesnt work... its not only abt bagaimana cinta saya kat awak. Its how sustaining day to day stress together..

But to sustain a marriage with simple love is a lot easier when u do not expect much from each other (err couple).. but when to the state that a wife & husband claim their rights that is where the ugly part begins... as sad. Ada la hikmah memana, still learning though. I can share my thoughts with some of friends and syaitan loves anger & people divorce.. mmm

Sometimes u feel fake, adakah semata2 Allah.. we are sinners so one day we are up and one day we are down...

Lets ponder outta of topic lak..

Contoh yg paling tak boleh blah, when u help an lady, drop her at lrt. The next week she invited a coll of her, buat mcm anak sendiri aku ni di suruh pusing balik... naaa naa pusing jap... and came to realize i am picking up an male bangla cleaner, i feel so tercabar! Hahahah Allah apa Kau uji aku ni.. ternyata aku fail that test! Ya Rabbi.. forgive me... lepas tu i just smile, tunduk tmpt lain when everytime i met that lady... hahahahahha jahanam ko ina... but i cant help it to fake it!

But this reflects some experience i had during my 1st year of marriage, when i rarely understand the jokes i heard, something abt hantaran rendah ikut umur la dah banyak, my  nerve are shaking! Tapi berjaya control kot pasal masa tu... expectation are so less.. since 2month of marriage, but Allah yet hadiahkan aku pregnancy :) on 3rd month. MasyaAllah... tu haa si awang kenit Khaleefa ..hihihi..

I guess when the marriage is older, u are more confident and slipped words shouldnt be out as mother and wife. Which i have failed the test, or i may hit the jackpot to someone ears & pinpoint what he didnt see/aware.

Atau mungkin Allah marah aku lara waktu kerja & kelapangan byk buang masa and bercakap topik2 sampah. Pi kerja x upgrade self and so on. Padan la muka now i am so tight with deadline but Alhamdullilah .. kot?.. 


Anyway all these shall pass.. mcm angin hembus then we yawn..